I had a funny memory the other day…
It was 2004 and I was on a meditation retreat in North Fork, California. It was a 10-day retreat in the Goenka tradition and it was probably my 4th time there.
The hall is organized so the most experienced students sit in the first row and the newcomers sit in the back. As one of the more senior students I was in the second row.
In front of me was an Indian man who sat with a fully rounded spine, collapsed shoulders and forward folded head. “How could this man who’s sat more retreats than me sit like this?!”
I began judging him faster than a cheetah could run a 40. I sat there, forcing myself to be upright regardless of the pain I felt, and told myself story after story about how depressed he must be and how much more spiritual I was than him. “He must’ve had a hard life. Maybe he’s done some really bad things. He’s probably a horrible father. His wife must hate him.” You can only imagine the thoughts that went through my head.
When retreat ended and we were all allowed to talk and converse with each other my mind was blown at how awake he was. His eyes glistened, his heart was so clear. He had wisdom and insight into the teachings that I only dreamed about. My perception of him was shattered and my ego was brought to the spotlight.
It was a tremendous teaching .
I continued with the meditation practice over the years, eventually leaving the Goenka lineage and moving to Ma hasi Sayadaw. I sat two 90-day silent retreats and still barely made a dent into my ego.
Over the last 4-5 years I’ve gone in and out of having a daily sitting practice. I’ve noticed the energy in my body has shifted and isn’t what it used to be. I often sit on the cushion and feel fatigued. I find it hard to stay upright the first 10-15 minutes.
So I’ve done something I never let myself do before. I collapse. My spine rounds and my head looks to the floor.
It’s been one of the most profound aspects to my meditation the last several years.
Within that space I’ve found that I’m present. I feel the sensations in my body. I feel my breath so clearly. The over-efforting that accompanied my 20s and 30s gives way to simply being in the moment. And time and time again once some of the cobwebs are cleared and my mind calms down, my spine goes straight. I sit upright. It’s done with ease.
I shared this with a student several weeks ago who’s struggled with her own meditation. Our discussion gave her permission to listen to her body and move into whatever position she needed that allowed her to stay present. It’s such an analogy for life. We often try to fit ourselves in a box of what we think we should be doing rather than working on listening to the voices within and not judging them.
There are benefits sitting upright no matter what. I won’t deny that. But in a world where we’re all trying so hard, comparing ourselves to others and in a constant surveillance of what our needs are, learning to listen deeper to our body’s innate wisdom can be one of the most healing things we do.
So today I give you permission to do whatever you need to do.
Whether it’s rest and watch tv, go for a 30 mile bike ride, do 6 hours of yoga or 3 hours of meditation, take the time to listen to what your deepest needs are and follow them.
It may just bring you the ease you are looking for.