Around 10 years ago I was sitting a 7-day plant medicine ceremony in the jungle of Costa Rica. There were around 15 of us and completely randomly, two of the people were from my home town in Woodstock. We’re good friends to this day.
After our second journey, I was talking to one of them and he said, “Well, we all have to acknowledge our inner bitch.” I had no idea what he was talking about.
But as he went on, he described the inner bitch as the person inside us who whines, who resists the way things are, who complains and feels like the world is against him. That resonated.
Over the last few years I have finally began to own mine.
And to my surprise, though certainly not to others, my inner bitch is strong, alive and well.
When he ignites, my frustrations with life arise. I have a tendency to feel I’m being wronged and that’s something I really have to work on.
The inner bitch plays the victim. He doesn’t see things from all sides. He’s emotional and pained.
My inner bitch often arises when a client cancels last minute and doesn’t seem to give a damn.
But as I’ve let this and other moments arise and pass away, I’ve learned a valuable lesson.
Something else always happens.
Here’s one example:
Two months ago, after losing a match in our padel league, my partner and I got relegated from Gold A to Gold B. The difference between the two levels is stark. I haven’t lost a Gold B match in months and find it kind of boring. I wasn’t going to play.
One of the players in A, a good friend of mine, needed a new partner and he chose my partner over me. I was left alone and it hurt.
These are some of the things that went through my head:
- He had a chance to be a friend and he chose otherwise.
- He’s not really a friend, just someone I kind of get along with.
- I’m not going to talk to him anymore.
- He’s selfish, he’s an asshole, etc…
- I’m not good enough.
- I don’t like where I live.
I held onto this for about a week before we actually spoke. When we did connect, he made up some excuse that to me was bullshit but it didn’t matter. I could feel our love for one another. This hurt but we’re friends.
I picked up a new partner and we immediately began playing well together. We entered a tournament and lo and behold, guess who we played in the second round…Yup…You got it.
We crushed them. It was a cake walk. I wouldn’t say I felt vindicated because I wasn’t seeking revenge but it was a nice win.
And what’s more, now that friend and I are playing together and my whole padel world has opened because I’ve won the respect of the community. What once hurt turned out to be a stepping stone for more.
So perhaps its not about conquering your inner bitch but about embracing it and trusting the process.
The inner bitch arises when we have difficulty holding the pain that is presented before us. It comes when things don’t go our way. It comes when we feel slighted.
The more we are able to accept our “IB” and be non-reactive, the more it can slide off our back like water and we can flow with the constantly changing nature of everything we experience. It’s temporary and has lessons, just like everything else.
