Around a year and half ago I was standing in an elevator in Bangkok and was amazed at what I saw before me.
The doors were mirrors and as I stood there, I looked at myself. 
I had been in Bangkok for a month and we were somewhere around 5 months into the pandemic. The first 4 months had me living on Koh Samui, an island in the gulf, and trying to survive a relationship that was clearly failing. I was not doing yoga, not exercising and was smoking cigarettes every day.
I spoke about this on a call with 4 of my closest male friends and one of them said, “STOP”. It was just what I need to hear. I woke up the next day, bought a snorkel and mask, went to the ocean and swam for around 45 minutes. It was a revelation. I have not smoked a cigarette since.
The underwater breath work was calming to my system. My body felt great from the exercise. My mind felt clear. I was happier than I had been in months.
I was now in Bangkok, taking a trial separation from my partner. My apartment had an amazing gym and I was going every morning. 45 minutes on the bike became my daily meditation. 45 minutes of lifting right after followed by a steam and sauna and my day was set.
As I stood in the elevator in front of the mirror, my habitual self-image was no longer there. I did not see the scrawny little kid I’d believed myself to be for so many years. I saw an exceptionally strong, physically fit man. In literally one instant, my negative self-view was shattered.
Over the last 18 months I’ve had person after person comment on how strong I am. I saw my step-sister and her husband for the first time in 18 years and they mentioned something immediately. When I get a Thai massage, they always ask me if I work out.
I feel better about my body now than I ever have. In the years when I was doing 4-6 hours of yoga a day, there was always an element of hate. Always an element of shame I was trying to work out. My practice, although filled with spiritual intentions, was also an unconscious effort to avoid the feelings of insecurity I felt inside.
I think I was 10 the first time I ever thought I was fat. I had a little pudgy belly but the fact is, I didn’t break 100 pounds until at least 7th or 8th grade. I was an excellent athlete, predominantly in tennis and baseball, but my negative self-image ran deep and started early.
Compared to what women deal with, I think we as men have it easy, but we still have our issues. Around 2012, when Tinder was just gaining popularity, a friend recommended I go on. I was just out of a relationship and still a little raw. When it was time to write my profile, like so many others, I had no idea what to say. He jokingly suggested I say, “I’m 5’7 but much taller when standing on my wallet.” I laughed. So is height something I’m supposed to be insecure about? Or is it money?
Men have societal norms like being tall, dark and handsome to live up to. This is the ideal man, right? We strive to be the “best lover in the world” or have the biggest junk downstairs. It’s all just a misplaced effort to find self-love. (If you have a moment, check out Michael Che’s “Shame the Devil” comedy special on Netflix. He has a segment on men and self-image that is just brilliant.)
We have been groomed to be the bread winners in the family. The man makes the money and the woman stays home. Thankfully these gender conditions are changing as we evolve as a society but their imprints still remain.
Whether it’s height, weight, money, genital size, sexual performance or something else, men face a certain set of self-esteem obstacles. Everyone does, really. We all have our own demons to face. What it eventually comes down to is, “Can I love myself the way I am right now?” If the answer is no, then there are things you should be able to do to change it. If the answer is yes, you are well on your path to happiness.
I could have easily loved myself back in my youth. I simply did not have the right input from my surroundings to support it. I did not need bigger muscles to find self-worth. I look at the 25 year old kid in this picture and see nothing but bright eyes and vigor for life. My inner dialogue, however, was anything but that.
When the Buddha returned home after 6 years of spiritual seeking and finding enlightenment, his abandoned wife said, “Couldn’t you have done it here?” He responded by saying yes but he didn’t realize he could.
We can appreciate who we are right now. We are often so much better than we think.
