So this thing happened…
On December 4th of 2020, the 7 year battle I had to save my knee ended.
I got a knee replacement.
I was 42.
7 knee surgeries, the last 4 all attempts to fix what the surgeon for the 3rd one botched. They all failed. My knee was beyond repair.
Countless hours in the gym strengthening, days on the yoga mat aligning, PRP, prolotherapy, hyaluronic acid injections, acupuncture, physical therapy…
Nothing worked.
How could this happen to me? Aren’t I the guy who could fix anything?
Apparently not.
I thought I would tell my story months ago but every time I sat down to write, the thought came in, “What’s the point? Why are you writing this? How does this serve your community?” So I put it aside.
But the thought still comes so maybe there’s value.
Here are two pictures of my knee now.
The top portion attached to the femur is titanium while the bottom portion on the tibia is polyethylene (plastic).
I am not sharing this story just to vent.
My knee and my psyche have always been linked. The night that I tore my ACL in 2013 I was playing ultimate frisbee but in actuality I was avoiding two other events that would have been much more emotionally fulfilling. I was dealing with quite a bit of social anxiety during this time and going to either of those two would have triggered it. I have always been someone who experiences fear but during this time in my life, I was really letting it get the best of me.
This is a theme that has perpetrated throughout my life, even though I imagine it doesn’t look that way from the outside.
I have traveled the world and taught Applied Yoga® and NeuroKinetic Therapy® in Japan, Thailand, Bali, Taiwan, and the Netherlands.
I have very successful online courses. I own a great house in New York. I’ve had amazing relationships. My life is filled with friends and love.
But inside, something had still not aligned. And my knee knew it.
I would love to blame the surgeon for the 3rd surgery (which he straight up did botch), but my karma is my karma and there’s always been a sense that until I am emotionally ready to be free, my knee won’t heal.
But deep healing takes effort and a level on honesty and courage I wasn’t willing to accept.
I was blessed to be in Thailand when the world shut down in March 2020. I had been living in SE Asia with my girlfriend and we loved each other a ton, but we had significant issues we just weren’t getting passed.
We decided to separate and after spending a couple great months in Bangkok by myself, I returned to the States. I felt great about my life and how I was showing up in the world. I was no longer able to run, however, and I was having substantial trouble walking more than a few hundred feet. I could have endured another two years like this, but why? It was time for a change.
Getting the replacement represented the beginning of phase 2 of my life. The phase where I take full ownership for what I want and who I want to be. It means finally having peace with myself and not being in an unhealthy relationship. It means creating a professional environment that is nurturing and supportive. It means being me, fully and really.
And it means being able to play sports again. It had been 4 years since I’d been able to be active the way I liked. I’ll never grind out a 3 set tennis match again and I’ll never play ultimate frisbee anywhere near where I was once able, but as long as I’m out there, I’m happy. In fact, here’s some shots from last week’s softball game. I still play short stop and I’m still the second fastest person out there, next to Fast Rob, of course.
All these years I’ve been applying to the Mets as a body worker but really should have been asking for an audition for short.
I say all this to you for one main reason.
Our bodies and minds are connected. We all know this, but what does it really mean?
I used to think it meant if you were inflexible, you didn’t know yourself. Geez, how embarrassing. 🤦🏻♂️ My early 20s were filled with a lot of naivety.
But the way we think about ourselves, our self esteem, etc. effects how we carry our bodies. Depression can lead to slumped shoulders, confidence can lead to a lifted chest. It goes deeper than I can possibly postulate here but it’s something for all of us to think about and investigate ourselves.
So today I ask you to be as real with yourself as you possibly can.
What’s really going on?
What do I really have to do to heal?
What does my intuition say is the path?
What are my needs?
These are questions I often ask myself when faced with any sort of difficulty.
They often help.
It’s a deep journey we’re all on. We’ve got to pull from various resources to live our life to the fullest. Yoga and other mindfulness practices help us stay connected to ourselves. And probably more important than anything…Honesty and trust are our friends, no matter how many internal blocks we may have to them.
May we all be happy and free.
